I remember feeling beautiful, but more than that, I remember feeling different in the world. I felt lighter in a way that had nothing to do with the number on the scale. I felt more confident walking into rooms. I felt more at ease in my own skin. Looking back, I can see that what I really felt was more accepted.

I held onto that version of myself for a long time. Through my 30s, I maintained the weight, the habits, the image. It felt like something I had worked hard for, something I didn’t want to lose.

But in my 40s, my body changed.

The things that used to work didn’t work the same way. My energy shifted. Life got fuller and more demanding. And somewhere in the middle of all of that, I stopped feeling like I had control over my body in the way I once did.

I looked up one day and realized I was in a size 18.

And what caught me off guard wasn’t just the number. It was how quickly old feelings came back. The same insecurities I thought I had outgrown showed up again, almost like they had been waiting.

That’s when I had to be honest with myself.

This has never just been about weight.

It’s been about how I see myself, and what I believe makes me worthy.

I’ve had to sit with some uncomfortable questions. Who am I when I’m not trying to maintain a certain version of myself? What does confidence look like for me now? Can I still love myself fully, without attaching it to a size?

The truth is, I still want to lose weight. That hasn’t changed. But the way I want to approach it has.

I don’t want to keep repeating the same cycle of going hard, burning out, and starting over. I’ve done that enough times to know it doesn’t last. What I’m after now is something steadier.

Right now, that looks like committing to 10,000 steps a day. It’s simple, but it’s consistent. I have a Peloton Bike and a Planet Fitness membership that I plan to ease back into, but I’m not rushing it. I’ve learned that when I try to do everything at once, I don’t sustain any of it.

There was a time when I could push through four HIIT workouts a week and lift consistently. I was disciplined, but it came in waves. Eventually I would get tired, or life would get busy, and I would fall off. Every time.

So now I’m focusing on building something I can stay with. Something that fits into my life instead of taking it over.

I’m also being honest with myself about the tools available to me. I’m not against using a GLP-1 if it supports my journey, but I don’t want to rely on anything without doing the internal work alongside it. I know now that if my mindset doesn’t change, I’ll find myself right back in the same place.

This is where my faith has been stretching me the most.

I’ve had to confront how much of my worth I’ve tied to my body. Not just how I look, but how I feel about myself because of it. And I’ve been reminded, again and again, that my value was never meant to be measured that way.

Learning to love myself at every size hasn’t been easy, and it hasn’t been quick. Some days it feels natural, and other days I have to be intentional about how I speak to myself and how I show up for my body.

It looks like buying clothes that fit me now, instead of holding onto things that don’t. It looks like moving my body because I want to care for it, not punish it. It looks like showing up in small ways, even when I don’t feel motivated. And it looks like giving myself grace when I don’t get it right.

I’m learning how to honor where I am while still working toward where I want to be.

I’m here, in this version of myself, and I’m realizing that I don’t have to shrink to be seen. I don’t have to become someone else to be worthy. And I don’t have to wait until I reach a certain number to decide that I’m enough.

I’m learning to love her as she is.

And that’s something I’m still growing into.

Bloom With Breezy Reflection

What would it look like for you to love yourself—without conditions—right where you are today?